Self love and Acceptance

Today's entry might run a bit longer, yet given recent events, it feels fitting to open up

I've always been someone who values privacy, a work in progress when it comes to speaking up and conveying emotions—unless they find their way onto paper after I've had time to reflect. It's a personal conflict I'm actively striving to improve upon as part of my journey.

This might come as a surprise to those who know me, considering I have no trouble sharing general thoughts. However, expressing certain aspects of my life has been a challenge. But in my quest for a more authentic existence, I'm learning to embrace vulnerability. I've come to realise that my admiration for certain individuals stems from their ability to be open and invite people like me into a glimpse of their lives and I aspire to cultivate the same openness within my community, hence why I've decided to share some recent thoughts and shed light on the motivations behind organising my Reignite Self Love VIP Day on 10th February 2024.

Before my son was born, I invested heavily in self-care, embracing practices like regular facials, personal training, nail care, haircuts, acupuncture, vitamins, massages, and more. It was my means of feeling and looking good. Just less than a year ago, I had all the time in the world to prioritise myself and these rituals were my forms of self-care and how I would manage any stress. It was my form of therapy. 

During pregnancy, I intentionally elevated these self-care practices to ensure I could be the best version of myself for my future baby I was so ready to meet. Living for myself became second nature, as I firmly believed that prioritising me also meant taking care of my growing family.

When my son was born I can honestly say it was the best day of our lives. Noah was everything we had hoped for and dreamed of. Everything from the experience of my labour down to my birth plan was beyond what I envisioned and I am so grateful for the natural experience I had because it enabled me to have a greater appreciation for my body and understand the significance of the mind and body connection. It was an empowering birth experience and I wouldn’t change a thing! 

Throughout my pregnancy and beyond, I was fortunate to have an incredible support system, and I felt grateful for the protection the universe offered. Our little trio existed in a lovely bubble. Adjusting to the significant change in sleep patterns was a challenge however despite that, post-birth recovery was smooth, and I eagerly embraced the responsibilities of motherhood as much as I was able to.

Looking back, what I hadn't anticipated was the part of myself I would lose in becoming a new mother. Unknowingly, I found myself mourning the 'old me.'

Selfishly, I had lived solely for myself for over three decades, relishing the time and freedom that prioritising my needs allowed. Suddenly, overnight, I lost that autonomy, and I wasn't prepared for it, nor did I realise it was an issue at the time.

As a new mother, every day brought its own unpredictable rhythm dictated by my son's schedule. There were days so demanding that I couldn't find a moment to even visit the bathroom in peace and would strap him to my chest mid toilet run, let alone apply a routine of skincare to my face. 'Me' time became a rare luxury amidst these bustling days

During my postpartum 'golden month' at home, I eagerly anticipated moments of self-care, hoping to reconnect with myself. Yet, whenever I attempted something purely for personal enjoyment, not deemed a health necessity, I found myself missing my son and a wave of guilt for not being by his side 24/7. 

I'd wonder if it was okay, if I was a bad mother for taking those few hours away. Even when presented with the chance, the yearning for my son overshadowed my desperate need for that personal time. 

Motherhood during the newborn months emerged as the most rewarding yet immensely challenging moment of my life. Despite the internal conflict, being Noah's mother remains the most cherished and fulfilling part of my existence 

As a mother, your minds never seem to shut off. A full nights sleep isn’t ever enough because for example: I’d wake up startled just to check if my son was still breathing - I'd heard too many stories about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Amidst these worries, thoughts about laundry, tomorrow's dinner, and finding moments for basic self-care often filled my mind. Motherhood became an all-encompassing role that never allowed me to switch off; it's a constant care and concern for those we love that never fades.

I remember, one night, as I closed my eyes, an odd sensation overcame me. It wasn't sleep paralysis—I was wide awake and hadn't even slept yet. Perhaps it was just sheer exhaustion from the cluster feeding nights a few days prior is what I initially assumed.

When my Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) doctor visited for postpartum care, I mentioned this strange sensation. She suggested trying quantum kinesiology, something completely new to me. Surprisingly, the experience turned out to be life-changing.

For those unfamiliar, kinesiology is the study of movement. In simpler terms, a kinesiologist tests your muscles to identify body imbalances like aches and pains. While many chiropractors use this method, delving into the energetic side of kinesiology is an entirely different realm.

In my earlier journal, I touched upon the mind-body connection, how they're essentially one unit. Unaddressed emotions and stress can manifest physically—aches, stubborn skin issues, and more. Our bodies aim to heal but eventually signal for help, and we can choose to ignore these signs or seek healing within ourselves.

Stress and trauma come in various forms—chemical stress from what we consume or apply to our skin, physical stress like childbirth or injuries, emotional stress from family expectations, domestic abuse, weight issues and more. Our bodies register all these triggers, as Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk mentions in his book this is our body 'keeping score.'

As I pen this public journal, tears fall. Despite being an adult, saying farewell to the girl I was remains a source of occasional grief. I wish I'd prioritised her earlier, shown her more kindness, and advised her to take it easy, appreciate herself or start sooner. I wish I'd emphasised spending quality time and being more present. So many things I would’ve said or done. I miss her sometimes however motherhood stands as my most significant accomplishment to date and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Navigating through new motherhood, I'm learning as I go. Through kinesiology, acceptance became a crucial lesson. It's okay to miss the old me while embracing the new. Prioritising myself doesn't make me a bad mother; it's an act of self-care.

This realisation led me to create Reignite Self Love VIP Day. I want to connect with women on similar journeys, allowing them to reclaim themselves without guilt, especially for those time-poor and unable to afford lengthy retreats. This VIP Day serves as an express ticket to healing in half a day.

It's for women who need self-love and kindness without conforming to anyone's expectations—a haven for modern mothers seeking community, purpose, and a safe space to be vulnerable without judgment. 

No matter why you're here, whether it's to unwind, find purpose, or connect with like-minded individuals, you deserve to feel complete and be part of a sisterhood. It's time to shed the weight of the world, to feel loved, and simply feel enough. 

Remember, you're doing enough—just by being here. You are simply, unequivocally enough